Jilly D.

Posts Tagged ‘Gail Caldwell’

In Anniversary and memorials on November 9, 2011 at 3:16 am

This guest viewpoint was published in today’s Ithaca Journal.

An endless loop of images, sounds and events plays in the theater of my horrified mind. Specific details brand themselves red-hot into memory. The hour, the day, the week, the month, the year, the decade before it happened replay backward and forward as my mind searches for clues to the mystery of my lover’s suicide two years ago.

As a reader, I rode a wave of grief memoirs that began with Joan Didion’s “The Year of Magical Thinking” and continues today with Joyce Carol Oates’ new book, “A Widow’s Story.” Other fine examples include Megan O’Rourke’s “The Long Goodbye,” Gail Caldwell’s “Let’s Take the Long Way Home,” Heather Lende’s “Take Good Care of the Garden and the Dogs” and Kate Braestrup’s “Here If You Need Me.” Ithaca author Diane Ackerman has recently published “One Hundred Names for Love: A Stroke, a Marriage, and the Language of Healing,” her memoir of anticipatory grief.

The deaths of husbands, mothers, fathers, children, friends, even pets have been the subject of touching recent bestselling memoirs that affirm readers who suffer similar kinds of losses and create compassion in those who can’t even imagine. But none of these recent books tells a story about losing a loved one to suicide.

Jill Bialosky has written a new memoir, “History of a Suicide: My Sister’s Unfinished Life” (Atria Books, 2011). When I picked up her new book, I thought: Finally, someone who might understand; someone who might have answers. Suicide makes for a different kind of grief — an incomprehensible one, because your mind can’t find its logic. Even though our losses and circumstances are quite different, her story resonated with my own journey toward acceptance, forgiveness and reconciliation. Bialosky tries to understand why her half-sister, Kim, took her own life at age 21 in 1990. During the past 20 years, Bialosky has been an editor at W.W. Norton as well as an acclaimed poet and novelist, nursing along her own brilliant memoir of grief.

“History of a Suicide” begins with the simple facts surrounding her sister’s suicide in 1990 and opens up a narrative on the effect that suicide has on those who remain behind. The book starts out like a good mystery or detective story. Bialosky wrote this page- turner in plain language. She weaves together her sister’s diaries and the words of Herman Melville, Emily Dickinson, Wallace Stevens and Sylvia Plath as well as those from doctors and psychologists. The author speaks straight into the reader’s heart with unflinching bravery. A voice filled with emotional honesty, Bialosky offers the reader both solace and clarity.

Bialosky doesn’t find the answers in social demographic factors or family dysfunction. The abandonment of Kim’s father at an early age and their mother’s depression are tragic elements, but not explanations. Bialosky offers a profoundly personal and poetic investigation of her half-sister’s death. Part psychological autopsy, part love letter by Kim’s unfinished life, Bialosky’s memoir mirrors the minds of those loved ones left in the wake of suicide. While the details of her story are unique, the relentless search for meaning is not.

The unanswered questions left in the wake of such an unexpected end haunt survivors. Bialosky writes beautifully and sensitively about this quiet quest. She will never really know what it was like for Kim in those final moments. Or, if anyone had done anything differently, would it have changed the trajectory of her sister’s short life? For all the forensic analysis applied to one young woman’s decision to end her life before it had really begun, at the end there is only the mystery. The reader is left with a sense that this feeling of no end to the “what ifs” is central to grieving in a way distinct from all other kinds of grief.

Twenty years of mourning Kim makes her an expert on what happened and how, not why. Bialosky helps the reader understand Kim and the inevitability of her death. Without judgment and filled with compassion, she lets Kim tell her own story and she shares her own with these opening words: “Kim’s suicide has forever altered the way in which I respond to the world around me.”

Mourners need specialized support after loss by suicide. Suicide Prevention and Crisis Services offers individual and group support for anyone dealing with such loss. Most people in Ithaca think SPCS works to prevent suicides, but we also need to remember the important work they provide to those like me and Bialosky and others whose lives are changed irrevocably by a loved one’s suicide.

Jill Bialosky will be in Ithaca on Saturday, November 12th, to give the keynote address at the annual meeting of Suicide Prevention and Crisis Services of Ithaca, NY. She will speak at 3 pm in the Borg Warner Room of the Tompkins County Public Library.  This event is open to the public and it will be my pleasure to introduce her to the Ithaca audience.



Let’s Take the Long Way Home

In Holidays, Mourning on December 13, 2010 at 8:48 pm

Those who have lost a family member or spouse are allowed by our culture to grieve and mourn, but the old traditions of wearing black, armbands and veils passed away a generation ago. In my workshop at Hospicare in Ithaca on “Getting Through the Holiday,” we struggle to find ways to express our grief and respect and honor our loved one by making new traditions. In our discussions today I was reminded of how rare it is to meet someone there who has lost a friend. There is so little social space for the grief of friends in our culture.

Maybe a wake. Then it’s over for any sort of social or public acknowledgement of the loss of a friend.  I don’t hear from any of Sam’s friends anymore and it’s more difficult for Sam’s family to stay in touch now that I live on the other side of the lake instead of next door.

My own friends have come sailing back in a small fleet to keep me buoyed. Deep friendships that now I wonder how I will mourn their eventual loss. After thirty years of friendship we’ve all gotten considerably older, if not wiser. Those dear ones who know you and keep you in their hearts anyway; they have chosen you as a friend and you have chosen them to keep close.

Gail Caldwell wrote a book released this year that is a memoir of a friendship. Let’s Take the Long Way Home is her story of Caroline Knapp, their dogs, daily lives and mourning her loss to stage four lung cancer. Gail  Caldwell is a writer’s writer. Elegant in its telling, I reviewed it for my blog about books I like.  To read more….