Jilly D.

Anesthesia: Signs of a shift

In Anniversary and memorials, Grief, Health, Mourning, Signs from beyond, Time and seasons on March 13, 2011 at 11:43 pm

Surgery on my wrist two weeks ago involved anesthesia. I don’t remember anything once the drip started down my IV. Waking up snuck up on me. The first recollection post surgery is walking out the hospital doors.

Anesthesia put me into a sleep and for days afterward I felt as though I’d been to the other side and my memory erased of the experience.  The dogs, Lucy and Scooby, smelled me all over and weren”t sure if it was really me. It was like I had a frontal lobotomy. I looked better and there was less pain, but I tasted metallic and felt numbed emotionally.

Every four hours I popped a Percocet for the first 48 hours, round the clock. The ice pack 20 minutes on, twenty minutes off; except when sleeping. The drugs didn’t stop the pain. They just made me stop caring that I was in pain. Dense. Serious brain fog.

Slept fifteen hours and cleaned out my system of the rest of the narcotic and lethal drugs. Went through the sweats and chills, headache and queasy tummy; a hangover.

This week marks the 18 month anniversary of Sam’s death and I realized I had to break my wrist to make the shift from grief to mourning. I am not crying all day long any more. I am taking care of myself; even when handicapped. I miss Sam terribly and love him still, but I am here and now it is time to move forward. The mourning begins.

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