Today marks another anniversary. Another month has gone by. Fifteen months today. I lit a candle this morning and it burns into the darkness tonight. I remember the 15th of October 2009 like yesterday; the first month without him.
When Sam died I suddenly had to start making lists again. After almost a decade of living off-the-grid I had stopped making lists a few years ago. I knew what I had to do everyday and making a list was just a way of procrastinating. All that changed. Suddenly I didn’t know what I needed to do. And if I didn’t write it down I couldn’t remember it.
Each day I made a list of what I had to get accomplished. I kept notes and phone numbers and records of everything because I felt so lost and out of control. A one page list was all I could face each day. By the tenth day I realized I would soon have a pile of paper. As the end of 2009 approached I had a thick folder full of single sheets of paper as a record of my continuing existence on this earth. As the folder got thicker I felt each day as a weight upon me; preventing me from reuniting with Sam.
At fifteen months I am finally in a frame of mind that allows me some rest from desperately seeking his return. My to-do list is now longer than a single page. Everyone tells you to keep busy. I’m tired. I need help. I’d rather not be this busy. Too busy means there is no time to remember him.
I loved him inside of me. Our bodies and souls melded into one. He loved me so deeply. Now he is always inside of me. Deep inside.
Jillybooks 
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