Jilly D.

Time warps

In Anniversary and memorials on December 7, 2010 at 12:49 am
Off-the-grid

Happy Birthday

Today is Sam’s 59th birthday. Next year he’d have been 60. Born in 1951, Sam would turn 59 today. I’ve been obsessing about my mistake all day. I couldn’t figure it out. Overwhelming mental calculation for my grief rattled brain.

It seems like so long ago that I last saw him, slept with him, felt his breath, heard his voice. Fourteen months, three weeks and one day. And yet I relive his last day every day over and over again in my head as the backdrop to all other conscious thoughts; so it feels as though it were just yesterday.

Time plays tricks on me. I don’t know where the last year went. Not even sure what happened to this afternoon. It’s gone. Some moments stretch out so unbearably long that I am certain I can not endure one more second of discomfort. Brief interludes in public places where I run into someone I know who either doesn’t know Sam died or knows but doesn’t care are always in slow-motion; stretched out. But I always have more work than time. Time constricts and spins faster and faster when you are “busy.”

Stop the world; I want to slow down. I need to relax. Busy work just keeps my grief work at bay. And time warps the past. The longer he is gone, the more of him slips away from me. His smell. It’s gone. I spent days breathing in his jacket and wore his hats all last year. His voice. It’s only in my head now. Experiences turn into memories and slowly fade. I want to stall time from taking the vibrancy of our love and life together. 

So happy birthday to Sam. This year give him the gift of a memory. Remember him.

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